Torn

Currently playing: Fast Car by Jonas Blue (Acoustic Version) 

I don't know why today I'm crying over everything. I keep holding back my tears because I don't want my family to find out that I'm crying inside. Sometimes I hate myself for crying so easily. 

I hate that I am so insecure. I hate that I keep scrolling other girls' Instagram profiles and get myself lost in these pools of insecurities as I see how pretty they are. Then, I look at myself in the mirror, and see all these bumps, red marks and fugly pores. I just can't have nice skin. These days, I feel so tempted to hide all these ugliness under my makeup. I don't think I've ever felt this insecure about myself like this. Why am I so superficial? I know looks isn't everything, but lately I've been feeling so hideous inside, so much that it kind of kills me.    

I hate that my family doubts my relationship. Today, my mum condemned me for not getting my priorities straight and wrapping my head around this boy. That cut me real deep. How can she not know that I willingly sacrificed my last 3 weeks of my holidays with him to come home and look after my grandma and focused on spending time with my family? How can she be so quick to judge my relationship like this? When I confront to them, they tell me that they are reminding me so I won't keep doing this in future. It's like there's almost no big comeback. What about trust? How can I make them trust me that this boy isn't a distraction in my life and make them actually be happy for me for the fact that I've found something great? I hate feeling so underappreciated by them. I hate feeling that I've let them down in trying to be the best daughter that I can. I hate that they do not support my relationship at all. I pretend to be all stoic and do my best to be patient, but the truth is a little part of me dies inside. I don't know what to do. I just keep telling myself that I got to give them more time to make them see that he's staying in my life for real. I really hope they will acknowledge him someday. 

I hate that my sister isn't even turning to me to talk about her problems anymore. I hate that she doesn't truly know how worried I am for her. I hate that she's ignoring my messages or giving me obligatory replies when I check on her. She keeps telling me that she's okay, but is she really? I hate that we're not as close as we used to be and I don't even remember when was the last time we talked together as sisters. I hate that whenever I confide her about my problems, my problems seems so trivial next to her, and I feel ashamed of telling her about it. I hate that it feels like my sister is no longer my best friend, like she used to be when we were still schooling in Malaysia. 

I hate that I keep trying to please everyone around me. I try to Skype my boyfriend as often as I can, I try to divide my time with my family and friends. I try my best but yet I find myself being bound to let someone down along the way. 

I hate that I have to go back to my university life and start worrying about cooking enough to live, doing well in school, maintaining my relationship, having sufficient allowances, walking to the supermarket to buy groceries, waking up early to go to class and maintaining my friendships with my friends in NZ and MY. 

I am so torn. I hate trying to be the best friend for my friends, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, the best sister, the best student and most of all, the best person and feeling like I'm failing in everything.

I hate myself.