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I have sensed it sporadically, for brief moments as the clock ticks, your presence gradually and beginning to falter into crisps. I feel you fading away, almost blending into the background that is not belonged in my dimension anymore. Our ties are at the edge, our bonds are so stretched that it is disappearing, transforming to wisps and disintegrating subtly and slowly losing its presence.
I feel that you are not there anymore. That I just feel mere a touch, like a butterfly’s peck and then when the next minute arrives, it flies away. Sometimes I feel that you turn your back away so much because I try a little bit too hard. And that you don’t wish for me anymore, almost as if I’ve became so inconsequential to you. I know it isn’t the case, but what hurts me the most is ; what if it is? Are my conversations too insipid that you are so wont to neglect it? Are my mails filled with such copious words that you have become accustomed to skim through it and then carelessly crush it to the trash?
I wish to gingerly put them into words and express my worries and longings to you. Yet so often, I find my lips being sealed by my inner conscience and suddenly I lost the words that just begun to formed. Because I knew at once, that the second I whisper those words, you will never cease to try to fathom me.
I worry for the tomorrow when we unite once again. Will our bonds and accounts of daily conversations and routines we once shared will be the same? Because I worry that you and I, will lost the youth, laughter and jokes that were the highlights of my merriment once upon a time. I worry that we would become so lost with each other’s identities that you would pull backwards and run away from us. I worry that I will lost you and that you would start neglecting me because that’s what you do, when the words get missing, nowhere to be found. What if we can never retrieve back what we had? What if nothing about us ever remain?
I honestly wonder if you even think of me. I miss you so terribly much. To this day, I cannot believe how much I still miss you because I thought that time could completely heal my longings or curb my loneliness. Yet I still always think of you every night before I lose my consciousness, only to be awaken by the thought of you again. I wake up every morning hoping you would finally write a reply although you are so tight running around at every edge of the day. I get a dull ache in my heart whenever you choose to call at times when I’m not around, so many times or when you constantly take me for granted because you know I will always forgive you whenever you promise me that you speak with me, another time. And the time has yet to come.
Do you even shift your thoughts to me? Do you miss me as much as I do? Do you think of me whenever the insignificant little things reminds you of me? Does your day becomes less dull whenever a mail from me arrives to your inbox? Do you notice my silly favorite things as you stroll along the streets and picture me squealing at them? Do you marvel at the taste of scrumptious meals and wish that I was there to enjoy it with you? Do you gaze at the clock and wonder what could I ever be doing at this very moment when the clock just ticked for a second?
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