So it seems like, I have not wrote in awhile. Sometimes I wonder, if I should start writing weekly, so I can collect my thoughts and recap my weeks in the years to come. I've read through all the posts I've written, and sometimes taking me back to how I once felt, made me realize how much things have changed and stayed the same at the same time. I am shocked, by how deeply some of the things that I have went through cut me, but I do my best to grief and stay strong afterwards, but the truth is some wounds never heal.
I've feed my mind with words that I know I should feel, but in truth, I never genuinely feel that way. A year ago, I questioned myself on why am I so insecure and it seems like this has never changed. I am still as insecure as I have always been, and it's this annoying trait that have made me jealous of the people around me, when in truth, I should be counting my blessings. I should learn to acknowledge the negative feelings I feel and learn to understand that it is never my fault for feeling this way and learn to manage them. 2017 was, in truth, a year that did not end well for me. Though it does gave me a new perspective on my self-awareness of how to improve myself, I wish I never had to learn it that way.
I'll start by talking about the things that have happened. Maybe someday these thoughts will impart to someone else. If you do resonate to this, please remember that you are not alone. And that your feelings are not your fault so remember to acknowledge them instead of pushing them aside.
In November, I thought I had a friend who I could share all of my feelings with, who could listen to me and stand up for me at the same time. I had all these expectations build up upon all my friendships that harbored a very unhealthy feeling inside of me. I considered her my best friend. I still do, but truthfully, I do hold a bit of grudge against her. I felt angry, because as my friend, she never stood up for me even when she knew about all my pent-up emotions. I felt angry, because she never truly wanted to be my side but wanted to listen just enough to show that she cared. She just wanted to be away from everything, with on some level I did understand but I wish she did more, because she really could have done more. After the little incident, I began to distance myself from her, because I wasn't sure if she truly cared. I think part of me will always have that grudge against her. It may never be the same. I may never be as vulnerable to her as I have always been. I guess in a way, I expected her to listen and act, but she only listened. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
In November, there was an intervention staged against me. It was the most horrible feeling I have ever felt in my life. I began to feel like I lived in a house that makes me feel as lonely as I can be. I knew, deep inside, they may never be the real friends I want them to be but I kept pushing off that feeling, thinking that the charred relationship is all my fault. I felt like I lived in a house that have so many loud people, and that I have be as loud, in order for people to hear me, but it was so hard for me to do so. So I bottled up my feelings. Deep inside, I knew the house was talking bad about me behind my back. When I got confronted, they nonchalantly spurt out the attributes of myself that I was most insecure about and it cut me so deeply, that even thinking about it now, hurts me bad. What am I supposed to do? If I confront again, they'll once again say that I am victimizing myself and that I was bad at handling my own bundle of stress and that all these emotions that are written all over my face is bullshit, because that's just the people they are. Sometimes I kind of hate them but most of the time, I wish I could be like them. To have no feelings so all these emotions will never get to me. But emotions are what makes me who I am, right? I think about the days how I try to include myself, but my voice is so soft. Should I be trying to be someone I am not, just to be included? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around these people now? All I remember that it was the loneliest I've ever felt in my life, knowing that all I have ever expected and thought was happening was a huge fat lie. I don't really know.
Today was the day I spilled all of those that happened to someone I have only met for the summer. She understood me and resonated with me. She told me that all of these have happened, and that I should try to take it from there.
Maybe it is true that they all happened for a reason, that I met them for a reason. Maybe some friendships aren't just meant to be and that's okay.
Maybe I should learn from this and start with a fresh slate. To forget all of that happened and greet them like new friends, once again. To start anew, and begin my journey to self-betterment. To have less expectations and more self-awareness. To be mindful of what I think and tell myself that it is okay.
2018 is going to be a better year. I will make sure it is.
Well, that was quite a rant but it was really good to let it out.
Signing off now!
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