In daylights, in sunsets

In mid nights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, a year in the life?

Some people whispered to me that the end is imminent. But some also said that the beginning is still fresh. 

Some said that those friendships are meant to be ephemeral and  without emotional depths. Some said that the foundation is too shallow for it to hold any true meaning at all. 

Some also said that it matters because at the end of the day, being alone for a prolonged period never feels right, as much as all the lone wolves try to justify otherwise.

Today probably marks the brimming end of my second month in college. Despite having some decent conversations and mini gushes, at the end of the day, I find myself pondering at the empty hollow in my heart. Emptiness is what defines my college life. Loneliness and bitterness engulfs me more than I thought it would.

I constantly feel like I am encroaching on someone's gang, walking into their territory shamelessly. I am faced with humiliation due to my inability to speak Chinese. I feel myself gradually being forgotten. And my presence being less and less consequential to them. Everyday, I get the feeling that I can never belong anywhere, anymore. Each passing day, the feeling keeps amplifying to point where sometimes, it becomes much easier to be alone. 

I do not know what to expect out of my college life. I do not know what is to become of it. What I do know is that I envy the people who always have people to hang around with or share lunch breaks with. Being alone makes me miss high school over and over again. I think about all my best friends who always stayed with me even during the darkest days. I silently wished that they were here with me, to ease my everlasting loneliness..

In college, no one realizes even when I'm crying or laughing. I've probably accepted the fact that nobody gives a damn here. My acrimoniousness and laughter has nothing to with them. And I guess, in a way, I have nothing to do with theirs.

At the end of the day, it seems like I end up alone anyway. And I guess, I'm beginning to slowly accept that truth, as much as it hurts.