Fresh slate

So it seems like, I have not wrote in awhile. Sometimes I wonder, if I should start writing weekly, so I can collect my thoughts and recap my weeks in the years to come. I've read through all the posts I've written, and sometimes taking me back to how I once felt, made me realize how much things have changed and stayed the same at the same time. I am shocked, by how deeply some of the things that I have went through cut me, but I do my best to grief and stay strong afterwards, but the truth is some wounds never heal.

I've feed my mind with words that I know I should feel, but in truth, I never genuinely feel that way. A year ago, I questioned myself on why am I so insecure and it seems like this has never changed. I am still as insecure as I have always been, and it's this annoying trait that have made me jealous of the people around me, when in truth, I should be counting my blessings. I should learn to acknowledge the negative feelings I feel and learn to understand that it is never my fault for feeling this way and learn to manage them. 2017 was, in truth, a year that did not end well for me. Though it does gave me a new perspective on my self-awareness of how to improve myself, I wish I never had to learn it that way.

I'll start by talking about the things that have happened. Maybe someday these thoughts will impart to someone else. If you do resonate to this, please remember that you are not alone. And that your feelings are not your fault so remember to acknowledge them instead of pushing them aside.

In November, I thought I had a friend who I could share all of my feelings with, who could listen to me and stand up for me at the same time. I had all these expectations build up upon all my friendships that harbored a very unhealthy feeling inside of me. I considered her my best friend. I still do, but truthfully, I do hold a bit of grudge against her. I felt angry, because as my friend, she never stood up for me even when she knew about all my pent-up emotions. I felt angry, because she never truly wanted to be my side but wanted to listen just enough to show that she cared. She just wanted to be away from everything, with on some level I did understand but I wish she did more, because she really could have done more. After the little incident, I began to distance myself from her, because I wasn't sure if she truly cared. I think part of me will always have that grudge against her. It may never be the same. I may never be as vulnerable to her as I have always been. I guess in a way, I expected her to listen and act, but she only listened. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

In November, there was an intervention staged against me. It was the most horrible feeling I have ever felt in my life. I began to feel like I lived in a house that makes me feel as lonely as I can be. I knew, deep inside, they may never be the real friends I want them to be but I kept pushing off that feeling, thinking that the charred relationship is all my fault. I felt like I lived in a house that have so many loud people, and that I have be as loud, in order for people to hear me, but it was so hard for me to do so. So I bottled up my feelings. Deep inside, I knew the house was talking bad about me behind my back. When I got confronted, they nonchalantly spurt out the attributes of myself that I was most insecure about and it cut me so deeply, that even thinking about it now, hurts me bad. What am I supposed to do? If I confront again, they'll once again say that I am victimizing myself and that I was bad at handling my own bundle of stress and that all these emotions that are written all over my face is bullshit, because that's just the people they are. Sometimes I kind of hate them but most of the time, I wish I could be like them. To have no feelings so all these emotions will never get to me. But emotions are what makes me who I am, right? I think about the days how I try to include myself, but my voice is so soft. Should I be trying to be someone I am not, just to be included? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around these people now? All I remember that it was the loneliest I've ever felt in my life, knowing that all I have ever expected and thought was happening was a huge fat lie. I don't really know.

Today was the day I spilled all of those that happened to someone I have only met for the summer. She understood me and resonated with me. She told me that all of these have happened, and that I should try to take it from there.

Maybe it is true that they all happened for a reason, that I met them for a reason. Maybe some friendships aren't just meant to be and that's okay.

Maybe I should learn from this and start with a fresh slate. To forget all of that happened and greet them like new friends, once again. To start anew, and begin my journey to self-betterment. To have less expectations and more self-awareness. To be mindful of what I think and tell myself that it is okay.

2018 is going to be a better year. I will make sure it is. 

Well, that was quite a rant but it was really good to let it out.

Signing off now!

Lately, in November..

Lately,
I have been wondering,

If I was gone, will you notice my absence?

If I had tears in my eyes, will you be there to wipe them off?

If I had drown in the sea, will you hear my screams?

If I left the world, will you ever treasure our memories together?

If I went away, will you miss me? 

If I got lost, will you come and look for me?

If I got cut, will you notice my wounds?

If I had words to say, will you listen without a judgement?

If I had shut myself off from the world, will you come knocking on my door?

Because,
Lately,
I have been feeling,

A little low,
A little sad,
A little lonely,

A sense that you don't care about me anymore,
A sense that it wouldn't really make a difference if I disappear from the world today,

A tugging pain in my heart that our friendship is not how it used to be,
A haunting thought that I may have lost something I was called my family,
A scary thought that I may never feel like belonged ever again,

Most of all, an anxiety that this pain may never, ever go away.

Torn

Currently playing: Fast Car by Jonas Blue (Acoustic Version) 

I don't know why today I'm crying over everything. I keep holding back my tears because I don't want my family to find out that I'm crying inside. Sometimes I hate myself for crying so easily. 

I hate that I am so insecure. I hate that I keep scrolling other girls' Instagram profiles and get myself lost in these pools of insecurities as I see how pretty they are. Then, I look at myself in the mirror, and see all these bumps, red marks and fugly pores. I just can't have nice skin. These days, I feel so tempted to hide all these ugliness under my makeup. I don't think I've ever felt this insecure about myself like this. Why am I so superficial? I know looks isn't everything, but lately I've been feeling so hideous inside, so much that it kind of kills me.    

I hate that my family doubts my relationship. Today, my mum condemned me for not getting my priorities straight and wrapping my head around this boy. That cut me real deep. How can she not know that I willingly sacrificed my last 3 weeks of my holidays with him to come home and look after my grandma and focused on spending time with my family? How can she be so quick to judge my relationship like this? When I confront to them, they tell me that they are reminding me so I won't keep doing this in future. It's like there's almost no big comeback. What about trust? How can I make them trust me that this boy isn't a distraction in my life and make them actually be happy for me for the fact that I've found something great? I hate feeling so underappreciated by them. I hate feeling that I've let them down in trying to be the best daughter that I can. I hate that they do not support my relationship at all. I pretend to be all stoic and do my best to be patient, but the truth is a little part of me dies inside. I don't know what to do. I just keep telling myself that I got to give them more time to make them see that he's staying in my life for real. I really hope they will acknowledge him someday. 

I hate that my sister isn't even turning to me to talk about her problems anymore. I hate that she doesn't truly know how worried I am for her. I hate that she's ignoring my messages or giving me obligatory replies when I check on her. She keeps telling me that she's okay, but is she really? I hate that we're not as close as we used to be and I don't even remember when was the last time we talked together as sisters. I hate that whenever I confide her about my problems, my problems seems so trivial next to her, and I feel ashamed of telling her about it. I hate that it feels like my sister is no longer my best friend, like she used to be when we were still schooling in Malaysia. 

I hate that I keep trying to please everyone around me. I try to Skype my boyfriend as often as I can, I try to divide my time with my family and friends. I try my best but yet I find myself being bound to let someone down along the way. 

I hate that I have to go back to my university life and start worrying about cooking enough to live, doing well in school, maintaining my relationship, having sufficient allowances, walking to the supermarket to buy groceries, waking up early to go to class and maintaining my friendships with my friends in NZ and MY. 

I am so torn. I hate trying to be the best friend for my friends, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, the best sister, the best student and most of all, the best person and feeling like I'm failing in everything.

I hate myself.

 

So many times I have let you in. 

I can't lie that it hurt a little bit when you said you can't talk this with me but I shrugged it off, because I know that I have to respect your decision to do so.  

I can't lie that it hurts a little bit that you are keeping secrets from me when I know that I would be so willing to spill everything for you to listen. 

Why are you so full of secrets? 

Why can't you let me in? 

 

Insecurities

Why do you find yourself comparing to some other girl who, you know deep inside, has carved and led such a different life from you?

Why does it matter to you much that she's prettier than you, stronger than you, more independent than you, smarter than you, more capable than you and more beautiful than you are?

Why do you find yourself comparing to her, who have better complexion than you as think that yours is only grossly sprawled with red filth?

 Why do you find yourself wondering if what she really thinks of you?

Why do think that she's so much more successful and carries so much potential than you? 

Why do you find your brain wondering if that matters?

Why do you find yourself wondering if you could live up to the same level as her if you were placed at her circumstances?

Why can't you accept yourself for who you are and be proud of what you have done, and how far in life you've made within your own circumstances? 

Why are you so insecure?

-

Why?

-

Dreams

Do you remember being taught since you were young, to chase your dreams?

Do you remember the painted glory that people described once you reach that dream?

Do you remember how excited you were when you were finally getting close to that dream?

Do you remember all the sweats and tears you shed because you knew that it would all pay off when that dream of yours finally lands on the tip of your fingers?

Do you remember thinking that it would be all worth it because of that one moment your mind has conjured up since forever?

-

Now, you've reached that dream.

Now what?

-

Suddenly, the dream that you've longed forever doesn't seem as great as you've envisioned.

Suddenly, you find yourself seeking for the comfort you had before.

You find yourself feeling so lost and so alone. You find yourself letting the loneliness engulf yourself. You find yourself getting used to being alone. You find yourself wondering if all these hardships were worth these lonely mornings and quiet dinner nights.

Remember when someone once told you that feeling lonely when you're surrounded by people is one of the loneliest feeling ever? Suddenly, all these weeks flashed before your eyes and you realized that you're as lonely as you have ever been.

You watched as your so-called friends walked off without even acknowledging you. You tell yourself to shrug it off, but deep in your soul, you care a little bit. You realized how fickle and fake these friends are as they only call you when they feel like it, not because they want you. Sometimes, you wish you were cool enough for them, feeling unworthy and useless all over again. But then again, do you really want friends who values so little of you?

-

Suddenly, you find yourself tearing up at the slightest thought of the people you miss so deeply. You tell them that you're okay, you tell them not to worry but deep at your core, your heart aches so badly for them.

You listened to their voices and a feeling that encompasses both comfort and sadness come rushing into your heart. You try so hard to hold your tears because you didn't want them to think that it's a wasted chance although some nights you wonder if it is. Your boyfriend does his best to comfort you, and you know that the best comfort you can get right now is his warm hugs and loving kisses he loves to plant on your head.

Suddenly, you find yourself wondering if this dream is worth all the loneliness you feel, despite how much success and money it brings. You wonder if you should let it go, but deep down, you're afraid that you might regret letting it slip your fingers so carelessly like that in future, so you know that you gotta be strong.

Here I am, crying in a bathroom stall at work.

Here I am being so pathetically sad about being so lonely.

The magnitude of this loneliness is too much for me to bear.

I just want to come home.

Like no other

You make me feel like I'm at the top of the world. You make me feel everything. It drives me a little bit crazy but in a good way.

I like so many things about you and about us that I don't even know where to begin.

Like how my skin tingles every time you gently touch me on the shoulder or pat me on the back.

Or the smell of you whenever you sit close to me.

Or how you sigh in exhaustion out of stress beside me because you look so freaking cute.

Or the way you held my head when we hugged after you walked me home.

Or the fact that you were willing to commute for 2 hours just to come to the city and made my birthday a little more special and meaningful.

Or how you brought me coffee and muffins and then we spent the next hour or so talking about Korean dramas and everything else.

Or how you always pat my head and grin adorably whenever I'm tired or out of breath.

Or the way your eyes lit with excitement whenever you see me.

Or the way you throw your head backwards and show your dimples as you start laughing uncontrollably.

Or your witty jokes and playful teasing.

Or your freaking adorable smile

Or how my heart skips a beat when you laugh at my antics.

Or how you gently brushed my fringe aside as you laughed at how messy it is.

Or the days when we listened to each others' stories, adventures and secrets and try to understand the battles we both fought.

Or how we see each others' emotional scars as another part of our beauty.

Or the fact that we both come from such different worlds but yet we are so alike.

Or how you find it funny when I mocked about your strange taste.

Or the day when we spent hours looking for the perfect plush toy for your sister.

Or the two of us are a little bit obsessed with Mario kart.

Or how my heart melts whenever you do something remotely sweet.

Or how excited I am to tell my friends about you because of how special you are to me, and how special you make me feel.

Just, you.

From the day I met you, my heart knew that you were gonna be something. We may have just started but I am excited and crazy about us. I just can't stop thinking about you.

You are going to be a big part of my life. I can feel it.